#theres more of this i could go into detail about but i wont for now lkdsnglksdg

[applyjuicee]

hey Google what does it mean if the person you like barely speaks to you but asked you to be a reference for a job and wears the bracelet you made them? asking for a friend of course

[reidmania]

cedar | spencer reid

summary; breaking up on good terms and remaining friends is difficult, especially when you and spencer work together, its even harder when your life is put at risk and spencer is faced the possibility that he might really lose you.

warnings; exes who cannot stay exes, angst, fluff, they flirt w each other, fem reader, mentions of being stabbed, all cm minds things, happy ending, avoidant!reader, self sabotaging reader. BUT THERES SOOO MUCH FLUFF GUYS, they flirt and banter so much, reader is sarcastic and very playful, shes lowkey lorelai gilmore coded a little idk

an; cedar is my song. i love cedar, i love gracie abrams. thank u and goodnight. not proof read bc if i read it i probably wont post it. thank u so very muchly to @gghostwriter for all the advice on this fic and letting me yap about it.

‘Breaking up is funny, I forget you aren't mine, I forget you aren't mine. It's impossible to acclimate, every time we talk, we understate, how I know we both could die, we both could die. But you told me that you felt the same, when I told you how I needed space, but I think it was a lie, it was a lie’

“You know pointing is rude.” You mumbled, crossing your arms over your chest as you leant back in your chair. The room went silent as everyone turned their gaze to look at you. Was the timing of your statement the best? No, did you care? Also no. Hotch was in the middle of going on the details of the case you had traveled out to Louisiana for, he was pointing at the screen and the thought just slipped passed your lips before you could help it.

Spencer turned his gaze to you, eyebrow rasied, “Do you ever think before you speak?” He asked. Your lips parted before shutting again, then you let out an amused huff and shook your head, lips pulling into a half teasing smile.

“If I did that I’d lose my sense of humour— you all would be miserably bored.” You sighed back, the smiling pulling further on your lips as the messy haired brunette sitting opposite you raised his eyebrow further and let out a half hearted— almost sarcastic chuckle in return.

He tilted his head slightly, “Humour? Is that what we are calling it?” He asked. You nodded instantly, a wide, half proud smile taking over your features. He hummed, clearly amused.

“Why is pointing rude?” JJ spoke up, your eyes widened in almost excitement to be able to talk about why the thought had crossed your mind in the first place.

“Well when you point you kill all the fairies.” You replied, matter-of- factually. You knew it was technically silly but it was a sweet childish thought that had been engraved in your mind since you were younger and you heard it from a distant relative, probably as a way to you from stop pointing at someone (because that was rude but explaining that to a five year old would be useless so they settled on something more interesting for an adolescent)

Spencer let out an audible laugh, “You are a child.” He said, almost teasingly.

Your head turned away from JJ’s to meet his eyes, this time you sat up a little straighter, “What does that make you?” You teased back, raising your eyebrow at him.

Seemingly, that made his lips part then close, and he resigned, yet there was still a slightly amused smile on his lips, which he bit his lip to try to hide, as he turned his attention away, making your smile only widen as you settled back in place, slumped against your chair as you turned your attention back to Hotch. who was standing arms crossed, clearly unamused by the interruption.

You however just smiled widely at him, “You may continue now. Without pointing, don’t be a fairy murder.” You huffed out. Hotch stared at you for a moment, no emotion evident over his features before he shook his head, turning his attention back to the case at hand.

Your eyes caught Spencer’s for a moment. In those moments it was increasingly difficult to remember you weren’t together, it was further difficult to remember why you had broken up in the first place. The way you interacted, the looking for one another in a crowded room, the soft touches and the teasing taunts went against every breakup ‘rule’

The breakup wasn’t messy. Not really, Not at all. It wasn’t mean, there was no big argument, no mind changer, no feelings lost, it just.. happened. It started when you had admitted to Spencer you were getting overwhelmed with the fast pace of your relationship, and he agreed he was too. You both agreed to take space, time, to reevaluate on what you both needed at this point in time.

When the conversation finally happened, you told him you thought it would be better to end things now, while everything is good so theres no chance of things going bad. You explained your reasoning by saying you didn’t want to lose your friendship with him if that feeling in your chest never went away, you didn’t want things to be awkward at work.

He had agreed, and it was mutual. You both mutually agreed to end things out of the fear of things ending.

It had been a month since the breakup, there was no awkward phase between you two. There was no tension, bitterness. It instantly fell into the same rhythm that had always been there, playfulness, teasing, lingering glances. The only difference was now he didn’t steal kisses to cut off one of your dramatic rambles, or wrap his arms around your waist at the end of the work day to signal he was ready to go.

You hadn’t decided yet, if the breakup was the right thing to do, if keeping this close knit bond with Spencer stumped any chance of you moving on — not that you planned to right now.

The breakup wasn’t messy, but everything after, everything now and everything in your head was.

“Spencer” You poked at his arm as you approached where he was standing, leaning over a desk reading over something, you weren’t sure what it was, you didn’t really care. He didn’t look at you as he let out a hum of acknowledgment, making you smile. “Spencer” You repeated, poking his arm again, and then again, until he turned his head to look at you.

His raised eyebrow and the way his lips pulled into a tight thin line showed he was unamused, not annoyed. You smiled widely at him, “You’re in my way.” You said, something you could have told him when he was half paying attention, but that took all the fun out of it.

He stared at you blankly for a moment, before crossing his arms over his chest, leaning his body against the desk further, turning towards you. Which only further blocked your path. “Thats unfortunate.” He sighed, you squinted at him slightly.

“Can you move.” You huffed. No longer amused because it was less amusing when he was amused as well. Maybe that was silly but you couldn’t help it.

He raised an eyebrow, pretending to think about it for a moment, before looking back at you. You glared at him, crossing his arms over your chest before he spoke. “Whats the magic word?” He mumbled, tone laced with faux seriousness.

A huff left your lips, as you glared up at him, squinting your eyes slightly, “Chivalry is dead?” You suggested sarcastically.

He grinned, “No. And that’s a sentence. I said magic word”

“You know what? I will just go the other way.” You decided, turning on your heels to walk away. A laugh left his lips as he reached out to grab your wrist, stopping you from getting too far, he dragged you back to stand in front of him.

“Stubborn.” He mumbled, shaking his head as he looked down at you, you returned the gaze, tilting your head slightly as you looked up at him, trying to keep the smile threatening to make way onto your face.

“You just noticed?” You replied in the same tone. Although you knew he had known this for a while, he never failed to mention how stubborn you were throughout your relationship, whether it was playful or in the middle of an argument, he constantly reminded you just how stubborn you were.

He shook his head, not bothering to hide the amusement on his face. “No, No. Trust me you make it very known.” He said, emphasising his words to make it clear that not only he, but everyone was aware of your stubbornness.

You smiled, “Being stubborn isn’t a bad thing, you know.” You mumbled, gently pulling your wrist away from his hold, not because you didn’t enjoy the touch but more-so because you felt an undying urge to cross your arms.

He hummed, looking down at you, “I didn’t say it was.”

You tilted your head, the same entertained look in your eye that mirrored his, “You inferred it.” You said, matter-of-factually, although he didn’t, not really. He actually didn’t give any hint to what he meant by his words, but you were okay with that. It kept things lighthearted, easy.

“You assumed.” He said in the same tone. “I didn’t infer anything, I simply made an observation.” He said, raising his eyebrow as if he was trying to figure out how you were going to find a way to reply — he assumed something witty, dramatic.

“Can you observe from elsewhere.. you’re still in my way”

He let out an amused laugh, “Im still waiting on that magic word” He said, clearly enjoying this and the light hearted banter between the two of you.

You rolled your eyes, in a huff of frustration you ramble, “You are creating a hostile work environment. I feel unsafe. I feel targeted and threatened. How do you feel about yourself, after treating me such a way? You are a horrible evil person. Im going to take this to corporate.” You babbled off into a dramatic tangent which only furthered Spencer’s amusement of the current situation.

“I feel pretty great actually.” He shrugged, you glared at him, staying in place for a moment to see if he would move, he didn’t, instead he continued smirking slightly. You groaned dramatically before turning on your heels and walking away. You could hear his laughter as you walked around the opposite direction to get where you wanted to go in the first place.

“I hate when my job actually requires me to do my job.” You huffed out, shaking your head as you tightened the straps of your vest. It wasn’t true, you loved your job, you loved what you did and that wasn’t a question. It was just the dramatics and the emphasis on how tired you were today, although that didn’t stop killers from killing, or kidnappers from kidnapping.

Unfortunately this case was particularly tough, it had taken an abundance of days to just figure out the victimology and connection because of how random the killings were, then it took another day to figure out the MO, then the profile was completed, then the next day, today, you had finally gotten the location of where the unsub was keeping his victims.

“Yeah, Such a struggle, poor you” Spencer mumbled out as he came up behind you, readjusting the straps on the back of your vest to make sure it was on properly, his voice was laced with tease, you just hummed in acknowledgment.

“Make sure you’re careful, and cautious.” Hotch reminded you. You didn’t think much of it at the time, it was the same reminder as always when catching an unsub, don’t do anything unnecessarily dangerous, don’t split up unless necessary, don’t put yourself in a situation that you cant get yourself out of, the words you had heard probably a million times.

You wished you paid closer attention this time.

You and Spencer walked through the house, it had an ominous feel to it, the air in the house was colder than outside, and it wasn’t a particularly warm day — but it wasn’t the temperature that made the house feel as cold as it did.

Instead it was the guttual sobs you heard from underneath the floorboards that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand, and goosebumps to line your arms. They weren’t sobs of pain, instead just ache, a cry so loud begging for someone to hear. Before that you were about to whisper a stupid joke to Spencer, now you felt as if you couldn’t breath.

“Stay here.” He whispered to you. There was something unfamiliar about the look in his eyes and any wit you could muster up was thrown out the window at the sound of his voice. It was a stupid request, you couldn’t just stay here in the hallway while he wandered around. You had a job to do.

When he turned the corner, gun pointed protectively, his movements were calculated and careful, every step he took he knew what he was doing, You thought you did too. The first step you took was quiet and your gun was pointed, your finger hovering over the trigger.

Spencer moved towards the sound of the sobs, you moved towards the living room, trying to clear the downstairs area of the house. There was a pull in your stomach for a number of seconds, a twist of anxiety you pushed to the side to focus on the matter at hand.

That didn’t last. Ignoring the feeling in your stomach turned into gasping at the feeling. A gasp of pain leaving your parted lips as you stumbled forward, the gun left your hand and hit the ground, the sound of the contact blurring as a ringing swindling sound took over your sense of hearing.

You were stabbed. You could feel the metal, more than you wanted to admit, you could feel the way it pressed into your skin, the coldness of it against the warmth of you. A sob of pain left your lips before you could help it. There was someone holding you, wrapping a tight arm around your chest and a hand over your mouth to silence your cry.

The arms weren’t comforting, in any sort of way. They were too tight, too suffocating for the lack of air you were able to breath in between the hand covering your mouth and the pain in your stomach, you wished adrenaline would kick in but it seemed to dwindle out as your head spun, then the knife was ripped away from your stomach.

That hurt.

More than it did when it first went in.

Then you were released from the mans arms and your body collapsed in pain, eyes squeezing shut as your hands scrambled to press against the open wound now bleeding out. You didn’t know where the unsub was, you didn’t hear footsteps, you didn’t really hear anything. Everything seemed blurry, not your sight so much since your eyes were squeezed shut but you could feel your mind blurring with every second that passed, any first aid training you had learnt flew out the window.

You missed it at first, the sound of the door opening, the sound of back up coming in, Derek, Emily. They were in the house now but not in the living room, not where you were lying on the floor in a helpless pool of your own blood. You wanted to yell out, or sob but every sound got stuck in your throat.

Then you felt a larger hand pressing on top of yours, placing more pressure against the wound than your tired arms had allowed, you made out frantic talking but nothing your half conscious mind could string together coherently. It didn’t matter, you could recognise the roughness of the gentle hand anywhere.

“Spencer” You gasped out, panting.

Had you been holding your breath? You didn’t remember but you knew breathing was getting more and more difficult.

His hand pressed against yours, other hand coming to brush hairs out of your face. “Im here. Can you open your eyes for me?” He almost begged, his voice gentle and reassuring and laced with panic even though he tried his hardest to remain calm for your sake.

You didn’t reply, only letting out strangled gasps for air, eyes remaining shut, squeezed tightly, as if the harder you squeezed them shut, the more your pain decreased. Unfortunately thats not how anatomy works.

“Open your eyes for me angel, look at me.” He now did beg. If you were conscious you would’ve given him a look for the use of the term of endearment in your current broken up state, but you could hardly process anything else he was saying, and you were bleeding out so there was clearly more important things.

You struggled, but after a moment peeled your eyes open to look at him. Vision was blurry and fading in and out even few seconds even when your eyes remained open, you couldn’t make out his features, you couldn’t see the tears he was trying to hold back. God you wished you could see his face.

“Good, thats good. Keep looking at me, Okay? We’re getting you help, you’re gonna be okay” He reassured but it was more of a slight reassurance for himself, trying to convince himself as such. His voice became a ringing in your ears, along with every other sound around you.

“Wh- Where- Is—“ You words came out mumbled, muffled by gasps for air and whimpers of pain. “He.” You finished, trying to keep your eyes open, trying to focus, trying to stay alive.

Spencer spluttered for a moment because he didn’t know— He had no idea. Whether the unsub was right behind him or whether they were being taken into custody by Derek or Emily, whether he was lying dead on the floor somewhere. Spencer didn’t know. He couldn’t. How could he focus on anything else?

“I don’t know” He said.

“Go away” You mumbled, eyes now fluttering closed, even in the state of half consciousness you knew Spencer was still in danger, more danger by keeping his back to his surroundings and his focus on you. That was putting himself in an unnecessarily dangerous situation.

He shook his head. “Im not going anywhere. Keep your eyes open.” He repeated.

“Spencer” You huffed out a breath of air, your eyes remaining closed because you were so tired. “Go. You- You aren’t— You aren’t my boyfriend anymore” You huffed out the words that came across way harsher than what you intended them, “Staying- With.. Me isn’t your.. Responsibilty” Your words came out laboured along with the way your chest rose and fell, the breaths that left your lips.

“Don’t say that. Open your eyes.” He shook his head as his other hand trailed down to your neck, fingers pressing against your pulse point. You couldn’t feel it, every part of you and every inch of his touch felt like a lingering sensation over the numbness of your body, your eyes remained shut.

“If i die” You huffed out, your voice quieter, more rushed as you tried to get more air in, “Please” You started before you let out a gentle sob, not of pain, you weren’t in pain, not anymore. “Please don’t let them use a bad— photo of me.. at..- my funeral”

It was the most you things to say before you stopped replying, before your body tensed slightly. To joke, to be playful at a time like this. Spencer wondered if it was an attempt to calm him down, to relax his mind a little bit, to sooth the ache in his soul with the wit that was unforgettably you.

The cream coloured walls seemed taunting, they were warmly lit, contrasting how cold the space felt, how daunting it was. There was different people scattered around, some crying, and grieving, some reading newspapers, others celebrating. There was really no contrast of emotions quite like a hospital waiting room.

“She just got out of surgery. Shes in the ICU.” Hotch said as he stood in front of the few members of the team that were sitting by waiting. Everyone wanted to stay at the hospital and wait throughout the time of your lengthy surgery, not everybody could.

“Is she okay?” Emily asked, sitting up a little straighter as Hotch spoke, Spencer remained silent in place, every part of his body relying on the ache in his chest to keep his heart beating. He didn’t know if he could form words even if he wanted to, he didn’t know if he could speak without his voice breaking.

Hotch was silent for a moment, which caused Spencer’s head to snap towards him in nothing but pure dread. Hotch realised and shook his head. “Shes— Shes fine. Shes alive. Shes still asleep, they said it could be a few hours before she wakes up. The surgery went fine - She will be okay” Hotch sounded relived as his spoke, an unfamiliar sense of emotion in his voice.

“Can I see her?” Spencer spoke urgently before he had even fully understood what he was saying. If he had thought about it for a moment more, he wouldn’t have bothered asking. He wasn’t oblivious to the inner workings of a hospital. ICU. Family members only.

Hotch seemed to know that Spencer already knew what the answer was, “Reid..” It came out regretful, apologetic, empathetic. Spencer didn’t reply, instead re-slumped back in his seat in defeat.

There was hours. Hours before you were awake. In those hours Spencer was nothing short of a mess. He tried to work, reading over case files, trying to summarise what had happened and then the memory of your blood painting his hands came back and he was left in a state of overwhelming thought.

“You alright, pretty boy?” Derek asked, despite the playfulness of his words, his tone was serious. It wasn’t a secret how much you meant to Spencer, it wasn’t a secret how much he cared about you. Spencer looked up from the hospital seat, the room had grown more absent of life as the hours passed, families came and went, the crying stopped and started again, the celebrations happened and passed. Yet spencer never stopped feeling so lost.

He shook his head, saying he was fine would be a lost cause to the knowingness of his best friend, and his current state. He was so evidently not all right that saying so would be humorous. His cheeks were flushed, hair a mess from the amount of times he had run his hand through it, tugged on the strands stressfully.

“You know what she said to me?” Spencer mumbled out as he pulled his gaze away to look at his fiddling hands, “She was laying on the floor, dying, and she told me to go away because I wasn’t her boyfriend anymore” Spencer huffed out the memory.

Derek sighed, taking a seat next to the mess of his best friend. “I don’t think she meant it like that. The situation was still dangerous and you were putting yourself at risk.” Derek said. Spencer wanted to cry.

“I know— I know. She said ‘it’s not your responsibility to stay with me anymore’ — I don’t— I can’t—” Spencer couldn’t articulate the emotions swamping his mind. Everything was overwhelming, every time he closed his eyes he saw you on the floor in a puddle of deep red blood, anytime his fingers remained still for too long it was like he could still feel your pulse running flat against them.

“Breathe.” Derek reminded as Spencer got himself worked up.

“I lost her— I lost her.” Spencer shook his head as the words came out, his hands pulling to his face to rub over his eyes, maybe as to hide the way they’d begun to water, maybe to feel anything besides the heat of his cheeks.

Derek sat up a little straighter to rub Spencer’s shoulder, “Shes okay. They said she will be fine. They just want to look over her for a while. She was in a tough surgery, I don’t know much about hospitals but I’m pretty sure being in the ICU means shes getting all the care she needs to recover better, and faster.” Derek tried to comfort.

“Its- No- I already lost her Derek. I was an idiot and I didn’t say anything — I didn’t say anything because I was scared of losing her and i lost her anyways.” He rambled, an overwhelming force of regret lingering in every word he gasped out.

“Your breakup? I thought that was mutual?” Derek furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Spencer wanted to laugh, because technically it was. Technically they had both agreed, technically this is what he wanted as well.

He just wanted you.

“She wanted space— I thought.. I thought everything would be okay. Then she suggested we break up while things are still good enough for us to end on good terms and be friends. I just — I didn’t want to lose her; I wanted her to be happy and in my life so I didn’t say anything.. I- I settled for being friends because it meant — I thought it meant i still had her” Spencer was a mess and it was evident in the stammer of his words in the midst of his ramble.

“You don’t think you do?” Derek asked, Spencer shook his head as he brought his hand down to rub gently over his chin and bottom lip, a shaky breath leaving his lip’s. “I think you do.. I mean everyone does. You two still act like you’re together.” Derek said, furrowing his eyebrows.

Spencer sighed, “Thats just— Thats how it was before we started dating. Sometimes it feel’s like we are still together.” Spencer mumbled, Derek opened his mouth to speak, but Spencer cut him off. “Shes going to wake up, alone. Her family is in a different state and I’m not allowed to see her? I- This is bullshit.”

“Just say you’re her husband” Emily said, catching both of the boys off guard, they hadn’t heard her approaching. Spencer lifted his gaze from the ground to look at her, eyebrows furrowed. Any other time, if it was for any other person he would probably go over how that went against so many rules, but he couldn’t find himself caring.

Not when it came to you.

He broke protocol. He wondered how many times that had happened today as he sat beside you, his hand on of yours, thumb gently running over your knuckles as you laid still unconscious on the bed. He paid attention to the beeping of the machine, the rhythm of your heartbeat, making sure it stayed consistent like his life depended on it — like your life depended on it.

You mumbled something, causing his gaze to break away from the screen to your face, watching it twist slightly. Your eyes remaining closed, then your hand twisted to interlink your fingers with his. You were evidently in pain.

“Hey- Hey don’t move too much. Do you want me to get your nurse? They can give you some different meds” Spencer ushered gently, leaning closer to the bed as you stirred awake. He wasn’t sure if your lengthy amount of time spent unconscious was purely because of the antiseptic leaving your system or also the need for sleep but he was glad you were awake.

“No” You rasped out. Whatever medicine they had been pumping you with since you got out of surgery did its job. You weren’t necessarily in pain, just uncomfortable. Even with your eyes closed you could feel the brightness of the white hospital lights. You knew where you were.

Spencer squeezed your hand gently, making you now very aware that he was holding your hand. “What the fuck happened?” You huffed out, voice groggy and full of confusion. You knew where you were, you knew it was something that happened on the case, you knew you were stabbed, but everything after the knife made contact with your abdomen was a blur in your memory.

“You were stabbed.” He stated. You opened your eyes to glare at him, “Yeah- Spencer, no shit.” You shook your head, he smiled. “I just— Is everyone else okay?” You asked.

He nodded. Derek and Emily had saved all the victims and the unsub was in custody, he explained that to you softly, mapping out every detail so you could make it out enough in your mind to satisfy your need to know what was going on.

“Next time can you tell him to do better? This bed sucks” You referenced to the unsub stabbing you, and leaving you alive and uncomfortable. It was a joke. You tried to move without causing yourself any pain over the uncomfortable thin mattress of the hospital bed. Spencer smiled and let out a breathy half hearted laugh.

“I’ll be sure to let him know” He returned your playful tone but it was heavier, quieter. It was filled with something more, something unsaid. His eyes dropped from your to back to your hands that were twined together, rubbing his thumb gently over the webbing of your own.

You tilted your head slightly, “What’s wrong?” You asked, it didn’t take a genius to read Spencer. You had memories the is and out’s of his head, or you thought you did. You knew enough.

“I thought I lost you.” He said, shaking his head slightly. His voice was so quiet and filled with guilt. “We broke up and.. because of what? Because we didn’t want to lose each other— I almost lost you.” His words held so much gravity it felt like it had all been taken from your surroundings and you were floating on everything left unsaid and unfinished.

“But you didn’t. Im alive.” You smiled playfully. He said your name, serious, showing he wasn’t playing around about this, that it went further than just this situation. You sighed, and shook your head. There were only so many jokes you could make to downplay the weight of the space between you.

“Okay. We broke up.” You mumbled, looking at him. “Because things were weird and it was too much and if things kept going then if we ended later it wouldn’t be on good terms and then we wouldn’t be able to be friends and thats horrible for everyone” You said, recapping your mutual decision to break up.

“Why do you do that?” He asked, squinting his eyes as he looked up at you.

You furrowed your eyebrows, “Do what?” There was a number of things he could pull you up on, your avoidance, your jokes, your way of downplaying everything and anything.

“Plan the end of things when they have hardly started. You were planning a breakup for a relationship that was doing perfectly fine. You needed space, I gave you space, then you decided you wanted to break up? Why?” He huffed out.

You furrowed your eyebrows further at his words, but he was right. Of course he was right. “You said you felt the same.” You mumbled, maybe if he had called you on your bullshit a month ago things would be different and you would’ve worked things out, you two would be together and maybe everything would be different. You also knew it wasn’t his responsibility to try and understand emotions you couldn’t comprehend or communicate to him.

“I didn’t want space, I didn’t want to break up — but I didn’t want to lose you all together.” He admitted. You suddenly felt the wind knock out of your chest. You wondered if the way your heart beat increased showed on the monitor, which seemed all too revealing.

“You didn’t say that.” You muttered.

He sat up a little straighter, not letting go of your hand, his fingers stayed tangled with your own. “Would it have changed anything if i did?” His voice was quiet, as if a question that didn’t need an answer.

“It was going.. too fast” You huffed. The relationship did go fast, but maybe it was because the two of you spent way too many years in this flirty banter phase before either of you actually made a move; maybe because you were both already so comfortable with one another.

“We could have slowed it down.” He said, rebutting.

“And if that didn’t work? If it was all just too much? Then we argue and we end on bad terms and then not only is it awkward for everyone at work but then we can’t even be friends” You repeated your point, the fear engraved in your mind.

“What if it did work?” He shut you up with his point, before he continued. “What if it did work and then everything was fine. What if you told me when things are getting too much or overwhelming you and we work together to fix those issues so we don’t end at all.”

“That’s optimistic.” You mumbled sarcastically. Everything he was saying made sense, everything he was saying was ideally how a relationship would go, but it wasn’t as simple as that for you. You couldn’t help the way your mind thought the worst.

Spencer huffed shaking his head, “You’re stubborn.” He said. And he never let you forget it.

“Im realistic.” You resorted, but you weren’t: You hyper fixated on everything that could go wrong and got yourself out of those situations before giving anything a chance to work out itself.

“You’re an idiot. And I love you.” Spencer exhaled. It wasn’t a crazy love confession because you knew this. He made it known everyday. Even everyday you were broken up. He didn’t need to hide it. “Can you give us a chance? A proper chance without planning our breakup before theres any actual reason for it, please.” He mumbled, half playfully and half so serious.

You considered his words. Honestly your last thought before falling unconscious was the fear that you would die without Spencer knowing how much you loved him, how much regret you lived with for the state you had got yourself into with him, the fear you had of not having him in some way, none of these thoughts you could voice aloud when dying.

“Okay.” You settled.

“Okay?” He asked, repeating it back as if he didn’t believe you. You nodded, repeating it again. He breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Okay good, because everyone on this floor thinks I’m your husband and it would’ve been really awkward if you just rejected me.”

[basilpaste]

i am very out of it atm and if i wasnt i could make a more coherent post about it. but do yall ever think about how all of the things siffrin 'misses' are a direct consequence of him being recently disabled?

their depth perception is off and the one eye they do have is probably significantly worse than it was because it has to overcompensate. so they miss the switch in the death corridor.

and he misses the key in the head housemaidens office. because its on the bottom of the drawer. and he wouldnt be able to see that at all, but if theres any indication that the drawer looks off, like a weird gap at the bottom, itd be really easy for them to miss it.

and the same goes for the key in the classroom. its in a thick book and chances are they cant really process the fact that the space between some of the pages is larger than normal.

and theres the counter. and how he trips in bonnies friendquest. and they blame themself for these things EVERY TIME. they call themself stupid and bad at their job and he LOST AN EYE. and its just like. its all internalized ableism, baybe! all the fucking way down!!!!!

he wants to operate how he did before losing his eye. He wants to be able to do all the same things the exact same way. and that just isnt feasible. which is okay! and people would understand if he just TALKED ABOUT IT. but they wont!!!!!

anyways ive been thinking about siffrin and the fact that they got so used to fighting on flat ground. and like what that means post-loops. ive been thinking about him knocking into something or missing a little detail and just fucking losing it because hes SO frustrated. so unbelievably mad at himself for not noticing something obvious, not seeing.

and im thinking about them being forced to learn that they run differently now. and theres no going back! no fixing it! and he just has to live with it!!!!! because the eye is gone and they cant just get a new one. and maybe they dont have to be okay with that, but he has to learn to accept that hes changed.

waugh.

[truelove-cafe]

STALKING 101: yanblr edition

our topic today is being an anon. before you're an anon, there should be a bit of thought — "am i going to stay long term or short term? will i hide my identity or not?" and in each of these situations there's a different outcome

we lead with short term anonymity. when you're short term, you might not care to hide your identity (in my personal experience). you likely aren't looking to pursue the person romantically, rather it's stalking born out of curiosity or boredom. or perhaps you'd like to reveal yourself as soon as possible in the case of pursuit. you could have been lurking for months at this point, and now you're experiencing a desire to get closer to the object of your affections as soon as possible. in the case of love, especially in this community, you might hate to wait. that leads to impulsive decision making. that isn't at all bad, so don't worry

now we move to long term anonymity. whether that looks like two weeks to several months (the latter being less common, from my understanding), you'd like to stick around. this usually comes from a romantic interest, but it doesn't have to all the time. maybe you're curious, maybe you think you'd be good friends. a lot of times this leads to a lot of "getting to know each other" questions, and long asks each time. a lot of back and forth. depending on your motive, you could feel more compelled towards true anonymity, and pulling all the stops. theres a fair amount of yans who enjoy being stalked, as well as stalking others. there can be a thrill of "who is this person? how much do they know?" if you're on the receiving side, while the other is feeling somewhat elated — and perhaps relieved to express these tendencies safely — to be mysterious

my tips:

- when it comes to being forward, not hiding your identity, there's not much to say. be truthful, don't lead anybody on because it won't be hard to find out who you are. ive seen it happen a multitude of times, and i dont want anybody else hurt because of it

- to hide from your object of affections is something of a game. id suggest changing up your typing, your persona, your alias. the typing is a big part of it, as ive discovered many different people just by how they speak, sometimes even by a specific way they spell a word or two

- if you want to, make a sideblog specifically for them to find. let them come to you. it does vary with what they want, but oftentimes they'll enjoy having somebody to discover, someone who will leave little clues, but will ultimately have the upper hand. just remember not to interact with their blog, or make a little white lie about whether you follow them or not! it wont hurt them to not know such a miniscule detail

- for endgame, there are two ways to go about this in my experience. one, you slowly integrate you into your persona. you dont let them know its happening, so soon enough you and who you made yourself look like are now one. they wont know the difference, and even if they did i bet they wont comment on it

- the second option is to reveal who you were this whole time in one fell swoop. if theyre hooked (or even if not), it could be shocking to discover. perhaps even a bit thrilling to the both of you, knowing that they're now seeing everything in a new light as they sift through your blog, your previous asks, everything. make it surprising

we need more anons out there, so if you're compelled to, but shy or worried you wont be liked, take a tentative step! we all love to receive anonymous stalkers, especially those who've been the anon a time or two!

remember to make sure its what they want, as well. consent is key in all things. its easy to check; look through their intros or their reblogs — most likely they'll have good information just in those places

[omgwhatchloe]

but what if i ask really nicely for more into on brain injury sean au

then i suppose…IF YOU INSIST…i might be compelled…

-first things first in this au sean has to change where EXACTLY he was walking on the ground on rhodes to alter where the bullet goes. one tiny half-step to the right when he turns, along with the shooter aiming just that tiny bit higher, and he gets shot through the skull, but survives.

now im not going to go into a lot of detail about where the bullet is in the brain and why he is reacting like this etc etc because even after research i dont know the ins and outs of it, so we’ll focus a lot more on his behaviour.

-so after the position of the shot is altered, they all expect him to be dead. miraculously, he is still alive on the floor of rhodes, but heavily unconscious. he is unconscious for two and a half weeks after they try their best to heal him. poor leopold strauss was NOT about to do any brain surgery and the bullet had to be left there. when he actually woke up, everyone was relieved and crowding him. however, he didnt say a word, he barely looked at them. he just laid where he was, staring, until they started to help him up and try to speak to him. within a few days, he had healed to his limit, meaning he could walk and start to move very uncoordinated.

-sean mumbles a lot unintelligibly to no one in particular. he doesnt speak intelligibly or respond when he’s spoken too, he doesnt even know someone is speaking to him. he opens his mouth when they try to feed him but wont make a single effort to feed himself as if he doesnt know how too. sometimes he can refuse to chew if he doesnt like the texture or taste, which is very often. he chews and swallows to fast, and it causes worry he will choke himself. he can technically walk but will not unless someone is actively moving him from one spot to another, so he has no urges to take care of himself and would spend all his time staring and mumbling if alone. he does sometimes reach his arms up to push at the people around him (not hard at all) but this pretty much means nothing, it doesnt mean he wants them to leave or is showing any sort of affection. when he gets angry suddenly, which can be often, he yells and hits (not very well) the people around him trying to calm him down. he can be calmed by having his face stroked, interestingly he doesnt care who does it. he cries too, when his mouth is being burnt by the food or he is just uncomfortable, like after an accident in which no one has tried to help him. when he cries, it can either be just completely silent tears like he doesnt know hes crying, or it can be accompanied by wailing.

-he also clenches his fists, pushes things in front of him around, pulls his own or others hair, kicks the dirt under him and chews when theres nothing in his mouth absentmindedly.

-of course, the gang are not caregivers. theyre murderers, outlaws or just very uneducated people. they try their best to take care of him for the first week after he wakes up, but sean has multiple accidents because no one tries to help him with ‘using the bathroom’ (well not really using a bathroom because theyre in the woods but yk what i mean). they have things they need to do and a lot of their plates are full even without sean, no one particularly WANTS to care for him, as awful as it may seem. they become easily frustrated at the complete lack of cooperation from him, even if it isnt his fault. they also become angry at each other around the whole situation.

-when sean gets upset or ignored in someone elses care, they rush to blame and berate each other about it. but the big elephant in the room is they do not want to be his caregiver, no one does. karen tried her best, but got quickly frustrated and angry at him, causing him to cry when yelled at (this was because it was a loud noise close to him, absolutely nothing to do with what she was saying). lenny got angry at her, and took over, only for find himself incredibly tired and frustrated within a few hours. despite being his partners/ex-partners, they feel helpless with him. they dont know why hes upset or what he wants most of the time, which means they cant help him. after a few days of lenny trying to help sean, prevent accidents, watch over him, cleaning him up, he actually walked out of camp. he spent a few days alone in the quiet because he genuinely couldn’t stand the camp or caring for sean anymore.

-he loved sean so much, but he couldnt stand the mumbling and the whining and the constant taps and hits. it was overwhelming, and he realised he couldnt do it. he couldn’t be his caregiver, he knew karen couldnt, he knew the women of the camp couldnt because they simply didnt know how too and got frustrated too. the men of the camp would never…so who? thats when he started to realise, along with everyone else, sean could not stay with them like this.

-so where would he go? that was the conversation, with many different arguments. only a few argued they could keep sean, but they were easily persuaded to change their minds. there was unfair suggestions, like dumping him on the side of the road. that was from micah, and he had the support of john, uncle and bill. eventually they decided he needed to be taken to an asylum or left at a state hospital, as sending him somewhere he’d be actually looked after was expensive and not guaranteed. micah had also suggested putting him down but was thankfully denied.

-lenny debating leaving with sean, becoming his caregiver, and he was really going to do it, until he actually cared for sean again for the next day and could barely leave him for a second. when he finally napped, lenny realised he himself had barely eaten, he hadnt touched his books, done his hair, or had any time for himself since he’d disappeared. god he wanted to care for sean but he just couldnt. the vision of their cottage he made up, where he cared for sean happily…while actually being happy…was unrealistic he realised. he’d always be angry and bored, and couldnt trust himself not to run away. he loved sean, he really did, he still wanted to cup his face and hold him close, but he couldn’t. a vital part of their previous relationship was dead with seans condition, and the rest was dying. sean didnt even recognise lenny, or any of them. he knew that for a fact because micah had bothered sean to get under his skin, sitting near him and trying to get his attention, and sean didnt react.

-the day before arthur was going to take him to a state hospital, their attitudes towards him changed. they had less frustration, more motivation, because they knew it was the last time theyd see and care for him. it made them feel a little uneasy when they thought of where he’d end up, with lenny feeling the worst about it. he still debated taking him and leaving the gang, but he knew he couldnt. he knew it would be the end of his life, his freedom, if he tried to care for him alone. but god the whole thing was killing him.

-they fed sean peaches, which he actually almost seemed to enjoy. he didnt spit anything out, though still lightly hit whoever was feeding him. he had no accidents that day, and napped mostly. he sat with the girls while they tidied him up, and spoke to him (with no response back). lenny read to him, even if he showed absolutely no interest and stared away from him. that night, they had a goodbye party and all actually paid attention to him, yes, dealing with him was easy that day, but that was because he was their main focus when normally he is not.

-ok lets end on a fluffy note where he sits with arthur and ‘watches’ his sketch. he enjoys the sound of the pencil against the pages, and seems to be almost smiling. they think he likes the sound of javier’s guitar, as he plays him a song. bill tries to give him whisky but is told no, but they do laugh when he tries too. lenny puts his arm around him and shifts his position so sean is cuddling into him. he falls asleep like that.

-he wakes the next day being kissed goodbye on the forehead by the girls as hes placed into the wagon. lenny sits in the back with him, holding him close. karen could barely bring herself to say goodbye. hosea and arthur drive, with hosea telling stories about sean when he first joined, especially his favourite, where sean got caught cheating at cards and stormed off to his bedroll. they had to lure him out and convince him to play again, and they promised to actually teach him how to play (as arthur had lied multiple times to him about the rules so he could win, poor sean didnt even know he was cheating.)

-they then arrive at the hospital, in ‘desperate need of aid as their friend has a bullet trapped in his head’.

[danaduchy]

all texts from Judy

How's it going? ¡Hola! How you doin, V? Find those voodoo boys yet? * Sure did Hope you found what you were looking for? It was pretty interesting. Helped em out a little * That I did Helped them expand their turf, had a little run-in with netwatch, took a trip down cyberspace lane and met an AI * Didn't think you cared all that much… Course I do! After what you did for Evelyn… You're not just some rando anymore

* Not yet I can imagine * Been kinda busy As are all. Well good luck with your search * You know, same ol' same ol' Uhh… sure, alright O_O Dont really wanna get into details right now Sure, whatever works for you, but V… Take care of yourself, OK? I don't want you to end up like Ev * What about Evelyn? Any improvement? No changes. She's trapped deep in her brain somewhere. Must be goin through hell * It wont come to that Good to know Sorry, gotta run See ya

Ev's send off Hey Buried Ev today Colombarium near North Oak Thought you might wanna know * How do you feel? I intend to get thoroughly shitfaced today * Thanks for letting me know Right, no problem. Take care.

Got an idea Hey, V! Hey. Wanted to thank you again. Ya know, for helping me with Clouds Don't wanna think about what coulda happened if you hadn't been there Anywho, I think I got somethin that might help us Can't go into detes yet, but I'll holler at ya in a couple days Oh, and have a FABULOUS day! ;)

Morning! Mornin, sleepyhead Had to run, didn't wanna wake u Left you some breakfast. Eat up!

Thank you Knock knock Whatup? How's things? * I'm good * You know how it is Why? Somethin the matter? Had a great time in spite of the circumstances. All thanks to you Maybe we could do it again, just without spillin any blood :/ * Anytime Can't wait ;) * But thats what I'm good at… …True. Anyway, still waitin for Maiko to spill the detes on our meet Call you when I know more

Thanks again Heyo, V Everything ok? * Yeah, I'm good * Same as ever * Somethin happen? I'm all right… Thanks again. You know for what ;) You're a good friend. Just want you to know that Maiko still hasn't called. Should be anytime now Let you know when I get somethin fresh

All set Hey V. Maiko just called. We're all set. This afternoon, out in front of H8. Assuming you'll be there? Take care till then. And thanks… Again. It really means a lot to me.

Waiting on you Something urgent come up? Oh well, I'll just wait. Just be here before 8am

Come back Hey come back! I'm not gonna wait forever!!

We're waiting Still don't have time? We're waiting

Later then… Musta been in a real hurry… I'll try to come up with something, like, doable, but also fuckin mindblowing Be in touch. See ya soon

Umm… yeah So… looks like you weren't into it Oh well. Guess that's that then… About to finish packing and then I'm off. Buh-bye!

Bye Won't keep you long Ditching NC soon… I'm done with this sorry-ass excuse for a city Whatever you're up to right now - good luck [You have been deleted from Judy Alvarez's contacts]

Your payment Heeeyo! Sendin you the €$, just as I promised ;) Thank you, thank you, thank you for your help! Laterzzz!

WTF?! Nicely played, V. Very mature Whatever happened to the fearless merc named V? But you didn't have the guts to look me in the eyes Miserable * I was in a rush * I was really craving some fries Save it, V Don't message me again * Can we just talk about this? I'm sorry OK, I'll leave you alone. I'm really fucking sorry * You're really just gonna ghost me now? C'mon Judy, srsly? Fine, no means no I guess…

Our BD Heya, V Starting tuning our virtu - got me thinkin about you again. Got no idea how much Im digging this right now. Splicing two emotive tracks together is super hard - theres a lotta noise I need to filter out for this to come out baby-soft, but the contrast in our reactions… I mean, it'll give you shivers. Don't even have to amplify the emotional tracks. N O V A * Yeah.. sounds super cool No, it's fuckin AWESOME. And the best thing is, it's not pretentious or nothing. Totally relatable * Thats cute Cuteness has nothin to do with it, mi calabacita * Hehe, looks like someone's havin a good time Laugh all you want, calabacita. Its nova anyway * Calaba-wha? Nvm, nothing xD * Seriously? You callin me a pumpkin? Callin me FAT?! Noooooooo silly XD Nicer than callin you a gonk though Alright, I gotta go. Byeeee

Memory Hey calabacita! Still playin around with our virtu - found a still you might like

* Woah not bad Glad you like it * You enhance this? Just a teeny bit, nothin crazy Dunno, I like it. maybe I'll frame it and hang it up on the wall Could do the same for you if you want * Deffo. I'd love one Alrighty, I'll send it over when it's ready * Not really my thing, sorry Hehe, and you still ask why you're a calabacita <3 Okidokes, don't wanna keep ya. Catch ya later ;)

Helloooo Yooohoooo Know wat rymes with judy? BOOTY uh-huh uh-huh your so cuuuutee * Hey… you OK? You sound… weird * Lemme guess - you're wasted Jus out wit some ferns. frieends. * Okaaay, so you are drunk * Definitely drunk Weeeeeell… maybe jus a littl bit? * You could at least send me some stills * Just don't go too crazy, alright? * Pics or it didn't happen Sure <(((*> …fine, knock yourself out :D

I'm so sorry I'm sorry. And a little embarrassed -_- * How are ya? Sounds like you had a fun night Feel like some took a chainsaw to my brain * Maybe I should start putting you on a leash Start keeping my girl in line xD Try it, go ahead and I'll… I dunno. I'm too tired to come up with a comeback * Anything I can do to help? Nah, I'll be fine. I'm just tired. * I miss anything fun? Nah, not really. Just a girls night out. Couple substances, neverending tequila… you get the idea. Roxanne says hi, btw. Or did she? Talk to you later. Gonna go back to bed Before I forget, I got something for you. Sent it to your apartment. Sorry again… -_-' G'night

Got something for ya Heyoooo Got a lil somethin for ya. Should help get you get on your feet - who knows, maybe it'll come in handy down the line It's waitin for you over at mine - near the kitchen counter ;) * Awesome. Thanks Don't mention it :) * What is it? Not big on surprises, are ya? Nothin super special, don't get your hopes up. Couple of energy bars to keep your battery charged ;) Oh and I found a 12 gauge. Got it some time ago from the Mox. Don't really see myself needin it * Sounds great, I'll try it out * No such thing as too much iron Like a fly to ointment… Shoulda figured :P Watch out for yourself, OK? I know you've got shit goin on and that you're playin a high stakes game… But you're too young for me to be visiting your grave. Just sayin Welp, that got a little darker than I intended. Anyway, just be careful

Noticed something… Just opened my wardrobe and my favorite MaxTac uniform's gone! Someone's been naughtyyy! I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson ;) Hope at least you can put it to good use Errrr maybe I shouldn't say that. Especially when I'm not around ;) Nvm. Forget I said anything!

About the car Here's a good one - how do you know when NC's too crowded? When your ride disappears and you have to fuckin walk. ON. FOOT. Hope you enjoyed the ride. Next time just give me a heads up :P

Later V Hey V I'm leaving, V. For good. Can't stand it here any longer Wanted to tell you before, but you were gone. Sorry I guess it's better this way. Leavin everything behind, old hangups included. Once and for all Hope you come out of your thing in one piece Bye, V [You have been deleted from Judy Alvarez's contacts]

Hello from Oregon! Check this out

Hellooo from breezy Oregon!! * So is that the key to the meaning of life? The beach? xP Nah, more like sittin on my ass and doin nothin for once. It's relaxing Sorta. As much peace and quiet as you can get with my grams * Visiting your grams and gramps? Yeah showed up on their doorstep a few days ago. Dunno if they were happy or confused… Pretty nice being with family. Good people, good food, zero bullshit How's life in NC? Hangin in there? * Peachy as ever Still got that relic. But I'm workin on it * Could be better. Could be worse Still breathin. Guess thats somethin… You'll figure it out, V. You always do Gotta go. The elders are summoning me

On the road

Road's full of adventure

Hey from Seattle!

Seattle's calling! * Why Seattle? * What're you doing there? They got a pretty nova virtu studio here. Wanted to check it out from up close Maybe I'll rent out space for a couple days, play around with their tech, do some experimenting. We'll see But I'm not plannin on stayin long * Why not? Didn't leave NC just to end up right where I started. Least not right now Cuz otherwise it'll just be the same shit, different place * Where to after? Gonna head east. Roam around the country a bit Prolly wont have a sig for a while Hang in there, alright? * I'll try I'm sure you'll manage just fine * No promises Shoulda seen that comin. But I'm sure you'll manage just fine If I'm ever back in NC, we can crack some beers on the roof and you'll tell me everything And I probably won't believe any of it xP Anyway… Bye, V.

random ¡Hola calabacita! Thinking about you <3 Wanna guess what? * Wait, are you trying to sext right now? Because in that case, I'd better find a nice quiet spot… Wow what year is it, 2000? Please, you know braindance gets the job done muuuuch better. * Mmm, think you should show me sometime ;) You got it… Course, it's still not as good as realspace. * Ain't nothin' like the real thing baybaaaay Haha, true true * Yeah, think I saw something like that in an old movie once. Super weird :/ Aaaah, yeah, think I know the one. Classic. And yeah, nothin like the real thing ;) Now I forgot what I was gonna write. Ehhh, maybe it'll come back to me. Talk soon :) * Hmm… Wondering if I can do a double backflip with a full twist? The answer is yes. Good to know! But… no. Was just thinking if you were an animal, you'd be a dog. * Cause I'm cute and cuddly? Yeah, obvi… But you're also loyal. Woman's best friend and all that. * Cause I'm your fierce protector? Yeah. And the best friend I've ever had. * OK gimme a sec, there's gotta be a joke about tongues and licking in here somewhere… … you're the woooooorst I lvoe it xD Anywho, enough distractions, back to work for me * That if I were an animal, I'd totally be a dog. Because I'm cute, loyal and love to lick eeeeeverything wow Not sure if I should be blown away that you read my mind, or offended and disappointed at your crass attempt at a "joke" * Be blown away! I dunno, the licking… Please, you love it ;) I… yeah I do xD * You're complex, you contain multitudes, you can feel both at once. Haha true, I can xD

God pls no Shit Shit on a fucking shit cracker OK so… I uh, I was talking to my grams and I accidentally told her about you I'm just warning you, she might try to contact you… I'm sorry -.- Didn't give her your detes obviously, but she's got mad detective skills for her age. Honestly don't know how she does it. I'm so so sorry. * shiiiit Exactly * Haha big oops. You think it'll be that bad though? Just picture the DataKrash, that's the sort of destruction she's capable of. * Don't worry, I got this. OK…. And I got my fingers crossed for ya You do realize you can't shoot your way outta this one, right? * Hilarious Learn from the best ;) * Ugh, you win Like I always do :P So what can I expect? Basically a 5 ft 2 pitbull trained in advanced interrogation techniques But she's really sweet once u get to know her! * So I can't just ignore her, right? I mean you could try, but… Not really possible with her. * Come on, no way it's that bad I mean it, your little ol' abuela can't be that scary. Yeah… positive thinking, that's the way. Let's just say you've been warned. Please please please be nice and let me knwo how it goes, ok?

So my grams * Holy shit, Ainara Alvarez is one tough cookie I know, just got off the holo with her * You weren't joking about your abuela * Still breathing! Just got off the holo with my grams * Hope she didn't datakrash me She loves you <3 * And? I think she's a bit sceptical. …but she's always like that so :P * Do I even wanna know? Nothin' to worry about Don't think you two really hit it off Man if you two ever meet, it's gonna be good O_O Thanks for talking to her, V. I know she can be alot You're the best Just talked to my grams wow is she pissed. Take it you just blocked her? Yeah, I'm sorry. Hm, ok… * I panicked and blocked her omg Now I get why she compared you to Maiko * I can't deal with this drama right now Drama? OK… I'm sorry Listen… I know you got a lot on your plate right now. My abuela's not your top priority I get it. talk later

<3 So V… I need to tell you something. * Shoot. Just gotta get something off my chest * You're an NUSA sleeper agent And you just got burned. Bad. All you can do now is wipe your files, cover your tracks and flee this city of broken promises, never to return. WHAT?! O_O Great story, but no :P * Sounds like the start of every breakup text I've ever gotten What?! NO! Shit, didn't realize how that sounded Anyway, it's just that… Ok so you know I'm not great with feelings and stuff… But I've been thinking about the past few months and I wanna say thanks, V. For being with me, for everything you've done. And just for being you You're great. Just wanted you to know that. But now I gotta go hide somewhere, I'm all flushed -.- <3 * Awwwww my sweet little vulnerable leelou bean Jesus christ stop xD it's not funny!!! * <3 :) * No YOU'RE great. Quit it with the charm bub You're making it worse!

Yo, what up? * All good The queen of curt replies -_- Ok, well you know where to find me and how to make up for blowing me off. I don't like being taken for granted. * Stuff's been going down - I'm on a super-weird gig in Dogtown. Kay, so two things to unpack - "weird" and fucking DOGTOWN?! Start with the first. * I thought that's what you found attractive about me? ;) I signed up for the full package, so can't complain :) Not even about the expiry date…? You're really good at distracting me from work -_-  We're all fucked in the end anyway, right? But I like to think that at any given moment we're both immortal - and those are the moments that count, every single time. Damn, that's deep * I like the idea of immortality in the now. It's like with animals - they don't know they can die until they're faced with real danger. Then they forget. * I don't think I'm in the same headspace rn because I'm working. I'll hit you up when I'm done :) Sure thing. Judy out. *  I'm just getting warmed up Cut the foreplay and spill the detes already You're really good at distracting me from work -_-  Oh, sorry Miss Professional-all-of-a-sudden I'm at work too - it's just sometimes I need to take my mind off it to not go crazy

* Can I text you when I'm done? * Glad to know I'm what's keeping you sane :) Sooooo… Whatcha doin? Nothing much - on a gig like any other Aaaand her highness has returned. I won't press for detes >.< * Probably shouldn't. Don't wanna put you at risk - better safe than sorry. Ok, putting jokes aside for a sec - sounds pretty serious. You sure its safe? Should I worry? Cuz you know, it's Dogtown - not exactly the safest place, is it? * You dont need to - I'm a big girl. Can take care of myself. I know, I know, I'll stop mothering you. If you say everything's fine, then I believe you :) * I'm chasing a promising lead for the biochip - it's worth a bit of risk. Ok, well, I'd assume that you've got a handle on things, so I won't lecture you. I'll just keep my fingers crossed. But if thinkin nice thoughts about you is any help, then just know that I am <3 Keeping me safe by sending positive vibes? A kind of hobby of mine. I take it pretty serious. Maybe something'll come of it. * Guess we'll see - maybe with your help I'll wrap up sooner…? * It works. Scientifically proven. Initiating transfer of "Positive Vibrations" Level: 500% xD Can feel something already - it really does work <3 Told ya! Lemme know when you get a free evening :* * I'll tell you later. Pros don't spill while on the job. Maybe over pizza and beer when its all over? * I'll let you know, but this one's lookin like a marathon. * You got it ;)

Got this thing… Hey, you ever hear of a case where someone disconnects from their wreath but gets stuck believin they're the person they were reliving in the BD? V, can't have this on my plate right now. Go to a ripper. What happened?? * Actually… nvm. It's nothin. False alarm Oooook, if you say so. But you know I'm here if any real alarm bells go off * So, hypothetically, say someone has trouble returning to their normal self after using a BD… that like a problem? Scale of 1 to 10 * Scratchin my head over here. New choom of mine had an accident recently. A localnet power surge overloaded his wreath and toasted the circuits. Guy's been livin his life thinking he's this BD star ever since * New choom of mine had an accident recently. A localnet power surge overloaded his wreath and toasted the circuits. Guy's been livin his life thinking he's this BD star ever since Sure, yeah, not unheard of. Could be a compulsive user, maybe a massive hardware failure… in my line of work we like to call it Dissociative Identity Defective 'Dance Onset. Or DIDDO for short If the condition doesn't sort itself out you need to use what we call the divided attention method. You show em one thing that's uniquely personal and another that represents the personality they've taken on. The resulting cognitive dissonance should snap em out of it (fingers crossed) Good thing you reached out. DIDDO can become permanent if you let it linger too long

You busy? Heeey, calabacita <3 What's goin on? How you been doin? * Hey, not bad. Same old stuff "Not bad" means "good" in my book! Which is great, cause I was thinkin… * Could be better. Been too long since we saw each other :( Oh no! My poor V, gazing out the window, pining after me! We gotta do somethin about that ;) * Yeah, fine. Johnny says hi Oh wow… didn't know Johnny was even aware I exist :P So anyway, why am I writing to you… Maybe I could come over to your place? * Of course!! Know my address in megabuilding H10? I think so… worst case I just ask a neighbor XD * Definitely! Know my apartment in Northside? Course I do. Watson's my home turf, you gonkbrain :P * For sure! Come to my pad in Japantown <3 Will do, just hope no tygers pounce on me XD * Preem idea! I'll be waiting at my apartment in the Glen! Ooh, the Glen? Swankyyy. Can't wait :-* * Yeah! Come on by my Corpo Plaza setup, y'know, downtown Hot damn, ok! Hope I won't be too underdressed XD * I thought you'd never ask :P I'm in Dogtown! Uhh… Dogtown? Seriously? Think I'll pass. Can we meet somewhere else? See you soon!!

Hola, V :D I've missed you. Can I come see you soon? Hey there :) Can I get another invite to your place? Hey hey <3 Y'know, got a little free time… Wanna meet up? Whaddaya say… Me? Your place? ASAP? * You have to ask?? Swing by my megabuilding apartment! Omw! * 1000%! Let's chill in Northside :) Be there in a millisec! * You. Me. Japantown. Now. Oh hell yeah! * Call your cab now and meet me in the Glen! * Umm, obviously. ;) Meet me at my Corpo Plaza place * If you wanna come to Dogtown…? It's not that I don't want to… I'm just terrified for my life is all. Maybe come back to NC to see me? * Sorry, but now's not a great time. Don't be mad, I'll see you soon, k? :) Oh c'mon, I ain't mad! But I'll hold you to that ;) * Mhm, calabacita… bet you know what I'm thinkin :P

I loved seeing you. Seriously. Thanks for finding some time for me. Gimme a holler when you find some more <3 * Thank YOU for being there for me :) Oh c'mon, stop bein so damn perfect all the time ;) * You know I will, prolly sooner than you think ;) Already got a countdown started :P * HOLLER Haha! Got me blushin so hard it feels like my cheeks are on fire Kisses, hugs and snugs! xoxo

Hey Jude :) Interested in hangin out? Ok, I'm all yours! Maybe I can come over? Can't just this sec, calabacita. Sorry :( I'll let you know soon tho when I'm free! You're the best! Whoa, V! Thanks for the preem ride! Where are we headed? And when?? Will we even fit inside?! Hahaha * Haha, who knows where the road will lead us! <3 * So you like it?? Phew… :D xoxo Thanks, V! This bouquet meant to symbolize our love? Y'know, lasts forever, non-biodegradable, that sorta thing? ;) Aaand you might just be the first person to ever compliment my calves… * It's criminal I don't compliment them more :-* Ok… haha, thanks for preem gift, V :) * And that's plain unacceptable! you ain't wrong there :P

Got a sec? * Hey Judy, doin swell, thanks for askin Sorry… just been shit day. Feels like nothing's going right. * No need to be sorry, was just messin with you * Maybe I can help with that, get your day back on track Where do ya wanna meet? * Sure do I'm at Lizzie's Talk to Mateo when you get here. I'll come up and join you. Roger that, see ya soon * Something wrong? No, why would you think that? Can name a few reasons First off, no enthusiastic "Hey calabacita!". Second, not one :) or ;) to be seen Third, it's rarely just one message and done with you. When Judy texts, my screen blows up in blue lolol xoxo ;) Oh V, don't you know just how to put a smile on my face :) * Dunno, just don't sound like yourself

Hey calabacita :P Thanks for a great night. Hell, thanks for everything you do. I really needed that, V. And I know you could see it… Prolly know me better than I know myself Let's do it again sometime, yeah? Sooner rather than later I hope :) * Anytime! * Can't take all the credit. Had preem time myself. Hard not to when you're around :) Just gimme a buzz when you get the time and the urge again Oh I will. But first… gotta shake this hangover… XD

Heeey, I've missed you! Interest you in a drink or a dance? Hopefully both? Hey hey <3 I ever tell you how fine you are? Whaddaya say, wanna make this city our bitch tonight? Psst… been thinkin about me lately? Cuz you're all I got on my mind ;) I'm free tonight… You? Wanna blow off some steam. Think you can help me with that? * You even have to ask?? Where we startin tonight? Meet me at Lizzie's! Just let Matteo know when you show and he'll ping me! * You know I can't say no to you. ;) Same as last time? Hell yeah! C u at Lizzie's!

A short trip came up Hey, got somethin of a short trip comin up. Won't be in town for a bit. A month max Seriously? :( well, shit, miss you already * But think how happy you'll be once I'm back ;) True, guess that helps… a little :P * The time's gonna fly by, then you'll get to see the new me Like, literally What's that supposed to mean? Fill ya in when I'm back in town. For now, gotta go.

Pick up! C'mon pick up Hellooooooooo Pick up, pleeease V? Hello? Please just pick up! Wanna go somewhere? Yo, V, you ok? Been a sec since I got a buzz from you Got some time on my hands and thought maybe you'd wanna meet up? There's this preem lookin exhibit on 20th century tech. Prolly the only chance in our lives to lay eyes on a VCR :P There's that, plus someone kinda misses you… ;) Helloooo? Can you answer please? Even one word? Got me worryin V? Said you'd be gone a month and it's already been, what, four?… What's goin on, V? Why didn't I ask where you were goin… Said you'd come back 21 missed calls from Judy Alvarez

[shinnyshining]

Things I brought today (mostly at the SE exhibition) and some opinions about the whole experience

I couldn’t get everything I wanted I over estimated how much cash I’ll need to have with me so I’ll probably will go again tomorrow

Which is the last day so I need to go early…

I also couldn’t get that one frame magnet I wanted…volume 5 my dads….no… I’ll….I have no choice but to get the whole set just to get them guaranteed cuz I cant go back to the shopping area onceI exit the shop 😭

And its all sold out in the second hand listings on mercari jp ,…hope the whole box is somewhat affordable

Anyway…if I get doubles, yall know how to dm me ;3

Also I got the kid ,liz and patty shikishi as you can see and I only hope to get soul and maka tomorrow cuz its so expensive on mercari I wont be paying 3000 yen just for a shikishi no waaay

WAIT

I FORGOT

I got the only cute exhibition keychain because ohkubo gave them very questionable angled illustrations which didnt translate well in merchs in my opinion ESPECIALLY on the acrylic stands they look nightmare fuels, but crona is fine (I sense some favoritism ngl) patty was cute too actually but I was on a budget

Anddd I got the badges from blind bags so its all gacha I like crona though Im happy and I will give the tsubaki one to a friend.

There were two entry tickets one was 2500 yen as standart

And the other was 3000 yen with limited goods which was this wristband , I think for 500 yen more it was worth it I might get another one tomorrow with entrance its high quality and soft

Lastly if you brought anything over 5000yen total you get this bag, but you wont get a double for every 5000 you buy, quickly learned since I spended around 11k with some goods I picked for my friend, so if anyone is interested in going to the Osaka venue, just so you know if you go with a friend you may wanna pay separately if you want a bag for every each one of you

Also tip from me: dont be stupid like me and bring more money with you if theres something you want that is not guaranteed and is in a blind bag…cuz the chances of you getting lucky is not reliable and if you are as desperate as me you’ll pay for another entrance😭😭😭

Especially cuz you cant go back there if it turns out you didn’t get what you wanted, you’ll need another ticket so…buying the box seems more worth it (only if you need and want something absolutely that you’ll go that far) (actually its not a super big deal for badges and limited shikishi boards and cards since there aren’t many designs. But the mangets…they have 16 designs so it is pricey)

Now as for the exhibition hall itself, most things were okay to photograph and its consisted of mostly manga panels and official arts,there were cool cut outs and giant volume covers on the walls. seeing the panels upclose was interesting especially cuz I do comics as well and aspire to do it professionally in the future

But I guess the coolest experience is that they fully voice acted a certain chapter from the manga (didn’t finish it yet so I don’t know which) but it was so cool cuz it was all newly voiced (manga only duh) and the visuals were in a dynamic video edited pretty well, there were some live 2d just a little but it was there, it was not allowed to film that there which gives me hope that they will upload it to socials after the exhibition fully ends nationwide. But you never know

(italso gave me hope for a possible remake but I don’t wanna get my hopes up)

Anyway I might make a google drive with everything I took pictures of later , Im kinda tired today

but I wanna say to those who have high expectations for this exhibition

don’t expect something revolutionary.unfortunately it was mostly manga pages displayed (the giant official art were cool though cuz you could see more details of them) and as for props, aside from some decorations hanging from the walls and cielings here and there there was a shinigami sama cut out and the mirror, but thats about it) so definitely a little underwhelming for a 20th anniversary exhibition , at least from my expectations

I enjoyed it because I like Soul Eater and Im pretty hyperfixated on it right now, but that doesn’t keep me away from criticizing it and I do just that CUZ I LIKE SOUL EATER

there were so many things they could do and honestly for 20th anniversary it was pretty small and the exclusive merchandise was just… meh??? especially the illustrations made specifically for the Exhibition itself (which wasn’t even that much just the main 3 duo/trio’s) Honestly I have to say Im quite disappointed with Ohkubo it seemed like he didn’t give his all designing the illustrations. they didn’t even performed well as various types of goods and ,sure, he made a design and its not that bad , but he could at least draw them again with no weird angling that only looks okay in a promotional poster, aside from that, you know the magnets are made from previously made official arts and manga covers, there were some cool stuff like kid’s skateboard and Soul’s jacket but those are made to order and you can’t even get them there at the time,

NOT TO MENTION THIS SUPER COOL ART WAS NI WHERE TO BE FOUND AT THE GOODS SHOP IT IS A MISSED OPPORTUNITY TO ME!!

A mini acrylic stand of this could be sooo cool 😭😭😖

The nuis are cool it was well overdue I hope they will make more characters in the future they should capitalize on them a bit more

Tote bags , hoodies and such were something to be expected from exhibitions like this Im not really impressed but they were nice as designs

But my opinion is set, they could’ve done so much more for this exhibition and it was a little underwhelming so only consider attending if you like to see official arts and manga panels up close, and if you like to interact with very limited props and watching the exclusive manga voice acting (to me that alone is worth to visit ngl) and of course the goods, only if you’re interested in

I do some theories why this exhibition was the way it is I mainly think, the budget was set and it was not much to do more than what we got especially considering the made to order goods, but it gives me hope, even after 20 years I think Soul Eater as a series is still profitable and I hope this exhibition does well enough for the higher ups to consider making more things in the future

Thats all from Shining today :3

[hollowwrites]

Hii! I've had an idea in my head for a few days now and I absolutely love your writing ^^

Can I request an Ominis x Female Reader where Ominis finds out the Reader is the person his family forced him to torture with Cruciatus Curse in the past? Some angst with a fluff ending, please 🥺

Repressed Memories

Sorry did you say some angst? Hahahahahah pain…Theres barely any comfort i wont lie my brain stopped working about halfway through this

I’ve pulled Violet Flowers out of my ass. But now I love that name so much…

Warnings - Detailed descriptions of Crucio from the get go. Skip past it after ——————

Word Count - 1769

~

Ominis knew he recognised that name.

It was repeated over and over by his mother, taunting and torturing.

Each time a gut punch, punctuating; this is a person.

——————————————————————————

His skin prickled and tightened upon hearing the curses name. Muscle memory activating and he shrank away from the sound of gargled screaming and muffled moans.

He knew how it felt to have his veins set ablaze. The feeling of every bone breaking and mending and breaking in an instant. The feeling of an Unforgivable cast upon you.

“It’ll be over soon, Violet Flowers” His Mother cooed wickedly over the rasping sobs of the young girl in front of him. Ominis could hear the girl struggling against his mother’s arms. Against whatever restraints they had placed on her.

“If he does as he’s told you’ll only have to feel it once more, Violet” her voice suddenly sweet sang from behind him as she circled her son..

“Beg for the pain, Violet. If you do, you can leave…if you survive” She laughed cruelly.

“Please…” Violet whispered strained and aching, and he felt a tug at his ankle. Instinctually, he kicked her away.

No this wasn’t real.

If he can feel it, it’s real.

This isn’t real…

“See, my love. Violet’s asking so nicely. I…will not. Do it” his mother snapped…

“I can’t…I…” Ominis stammered as tears streamed over his cheeks. This isn’t real. This isn’t real.

“Crucio!” His mother spat, sounding almost bored with this charade.

And his body buckled and broke against the pain he’d felt countless times. He’d grown, somewhat of a tolerance for it. About as much as one can grow accustomed to phantom magical pain.

His teeth cracked and eyes burned through tears as he resisted the temptation to cry out. He would not give that woman the satisfaction.

The most she would get, would be a grunt and relieved groan as the pain subsided.

“I hate to see you like this dear.” She purred once more as her personality flipped again. The doting and ‘loving’ mother reappearing. “Cast it and I’ll stop…”

And they were the last words she spoke before his whole world became pain. To this day, he doesn’t know how long he bore it. It felt like hours went by, his vision blooming from the usual inky blackness to a painful blinding white. His knees came slamming into the stone floor and a different, almost real pain throbbed from his leg. He assumed he’d broken his own knee from the force.

“Do it…it’s okay” Violets voice sang out to him. A siren song amidst a choppy sea. And to his shame, he didn’t hesitate…his hand limply held his wand against the floor and as he muttered the curse, red lightening forked across the stone and bled into her. Her screams replaced his as he cast the Curse for as short a time as possible.

——————————————————————————

~

So when she was called at the Sorting Ceremony, his blood ran cold.

“Violet Flowers” Headmaster Black called disgustingly, almost like he knew she wasn’t Pureblood. Of course he did. Purebloods had the names of fellow blood purists memorised. Even Weasley was respectable. But Flowers?

No…

They tortured muggles. He’d tortured a muggle.

This wasn’t possible. This wasn’t real.

He only hoped she wouldn’t be sorted into Slytherin. How could she? Very few muggle born wizards were due to its ridiculous entry requirements sewn into that stupid hat.

If she was in any other house he could avoid her…perfect if she’s Gryffindor. He interacts with so few.

“Slytherin”

Upon hearing that word…that cursed sickening name, Ominis froze. Now he would have to avoid her all year.

Then Sebastian befriended her.

And he couldn’t exactly tell him why he hated her so much. Why he avoided every interaction. Why he snapped at the mention of her name and the sound of her voice. Sebastian knew a lot about his life but this was an element he could not know. Knowing your friend had cast that curse, and seeing the person they cast it on…two completely different things.

The worst part was that he liked her.

She was enjoyable to be around.

Uplifting and happy. Bubbly but introverted. Like she was only this way for her friends. And she was like this…towards him.

Had she forgotten? Had his Mother obliviated her? It wasn’t something she normally did. She revelled in the idea that they irrevocably changed people’s lives. Warped normal everyday people into husks and sent them back on their way. She couldn’t have…

…and she hadn’t.

~

As Ominis paced back and forth in the old corridor below the dungeons, he wondered just how much a person could live in denial. Slowly, he rocked himself back and forth muttering more so than usual as Sebastian and Violet spoke.

This isn’t happening.

This is a nightmare.

This isn’t happening.

This is a nightmare.

“It’s up to us. I can teach you Crucio or I can cast it on you” Sebastian said flatly, though Ominis barely heard him over the ringing in his ears.

“No…” His mouth formed but no sound came out

“I’ve already felt what it’s like…cast it in me” Violet said meekly but bravely.

“No…” his voice came this time but it was still a murmur.

“You’ve already felt an Unforgivable?” Sebastian inquired, and unbeknownst to Ominis, he looked towards his blind friend, shaking and rocking over and over.

“No…” - they heard him that time, his voice slowly returning but it still sounded akin to the ramblings of a mad man. This place was truly a living nightmare

“Yes…when I was a child. A family came by our village, wiped out most of us. Those who were left alive were-“

���Enough! Please!” Ominis begged over his own erratic breathing long enough for them both to hear. His hands slammed over his temples, squeezing, as though he could physically push the memories further back and deeper. Hide them inside.

“Ominis…?” Violet questioned, her normal sing-songy tone replaced with a harsh, gravelly one. She was scared…

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” he repeated, over and over like a prayer. And once again his knees buckled before her and his knee crashed into the stone, the old ache of a long since healed injury throbbing.

And she looked at him. Bent and broken, brows furrowed in confusion. She looked back at Sebastian, hoping to be met with similar bewilderment.

But instead his eyes watered slightly, a look of sympathy, almost anger, was carved into his stoic features.

“Is she-?” Sebastian started taking a step closer to the trembling crouched form of his best friend…

“I didn’t want to. You have to believe me. I couldn’t…I can’t…” Ominis babbled endlessly, no thought crossed his mind that he didn’t verbalise “…you have no idea what it feels like…I just…”

“You just wanted it to stop…” Violet interjected, her voice soft and quiet.

She knew there was something recognisable about him. She always assumed it was just her mind playing tricks on her, or that he was so easy to get along with that he felt…familiar.

Like she’d known him her whole life.

She gently pushed Sebastian out of the way and placed her hands over Ominis’ whose clung to the side of his head. He flinched, violently from her touch, almost recoiling completely away from her. He gazelessly stared up at her.

“I am so…sorry” his voice was barely there…

“Shhh…I know”

“You cannot take that curse again…I cannot be the reason you feel that curse. Not again” his eyes searched for her fruitlessly, hands now falling to her wrists and clinging somewhat painfully as he implored her to listen to reason. “I can’t hear that again. Don’t make me-“

“Ominis-“

“No” his tone shifting suddenly, his conviction strong. “You will not feel that pain again…”

~

Days went by after the Scriptorium and Ominis couldn’t be found. After they toiled and argued Ominis eventually made Sebastian cast that curse on him, feeling that same agony that he had felt numerous times, once more. Sebastian looked on in horror as Ominis took the full brunt of an unforgivable…and simply clenched his teeth. Perhaps he had underestimated his friend all these years…

Though despite everyone agreeing, Ominis still forced himself away from them. Both Sebastian and Violet.

He couldn’t face her.

Not now she knew…

But that didn’t stop her from trapping him in the Common Room late one night.

Ordinarily, it was borderline impossible to sneak up on Ominis. His hearing had advanced with his blindness too much for such nonsense. But in this moment, whilst he stood mind wandering in the alcove by the lake, he was too distracted to hear her walk up beside him.

“You’re avoiding me…” she stated, in as soft a tone as possible.

“Can you understand why?” He muttered, no sense in denying it.

“I can. I just wanted you to know you don’t have to…” she said once again her tone flat almost unemotional. “…as far as I’m concerned, nothing has changed”

“What?” He spat, turning on his heel to face her. “Everything has changed”

And she laughed. How could she find humour in such a thing?

“Nothing has changed” she insisted “I still felt that curse, you still torture yourself over it. Nothing has changed”

“You know it was me!” He snapped, reaching out and grabbing her shoulders. He shook her slightly, not believing she could be so…so…

“I do not blame you” she whispered, his face mere inches from hers, brows slammed over his pale eyes. And if she didn’t know him better, she would have assumed he was angry at her. “Ominis…whilst they cursed you, your brother laughed. Your mother insulted and degraded you. I do not blame you for the pain that I felt. I would have done the same.”

“No you wouldn’t…” his voice cracked and his hands loosened around her arms. His shoulders slumped and she could feel the waves of self loathing emanating from him. “…You are kind. And gentle. And-“

“Vengeful” she finished for him, taking his face in her hands “…I am spiteful and angry. If I had magic then I would’ve done anything to stop that pain…as you did”

“I-“

“Listen to me for once will you!” She snapped “You may never forgive yourself…fine. But I forgive you. And you did it to me. Surely that counts for something?”

There was a silence between them that seemed to stretch out forever…

“I am undeserving of your forgiveness. Of your kindness.” He whispered leaning into her hand, into her warmth, her love.

“You are more deserving than most…”

Sorry if the latter half of this is bad, I’m currently going through the worst flu of my life! Sorry!!

Masterlist

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

shes wearing jeans and a tank top. theres blood on the carpet. she says so, you want to be a werewolf? you say yeah. she says just so you know your claws and teeth wont be any sharper than a humans. im not allowed to give anyone any weapons. condition of my parole. you say thats fine, not ideal but fine. the two of you start talking details between sips of your coffee. when shes asking you about fur color she pulls out a swatch like they have at paint shops. all the fur on it feels real. it also feels warm. and the swatch itself is soft and yielding underneath the fur.

zero, two, or eight boobs? zero you say, but eight nipples underneath the fur. she says that works, do you want the knot? you say yeah. she asks how long you want it to last after cumming and you say half an hour. she says you know that means you and your partner pretty much wont be able to move thst whole time right. you say yeah. she shakes her head and says your funeral.

shes finished her coffee and started smoking. you say arent you worried about your lungs? she laughs. she says nah my Amy will fix me up if i get cancer. she says any other requests? you say just so we're clear, i want this to be actual lycanthropy. she says huh? you say you want to actually transform on the full moon. she considers that a second. she says hm i think i can do that. the transformations will probably hurt like a bitch though. you say you dont mind. she says she needs you to sign a waiver for this one. you say okay. she says give me like fifteen minutes to write one.

***

get the fuck out of here she says. she says who the hell gave you my address? she says fuck off before i show you what im really capable of. you say whats the problem? she says i dont DO cape work. she says im full rogue these days. she says i only take clients who arent parahumans just to be sure im not complicit in anything. you say youll go. she says go faster or she'll get your body to show you what a teratoma is.

***

you start describing your fungus colony idea but shes already shaking her head. she says sorry. says she would if she could but shes not allowed to do anything that can propagate itself. she says her parole agreement says she can only give reproductive organs if the resulting offspring would be baseline human. you say thats stupid. she says she doesnt disagree. how do they even determine baseline human you ask? she says shes pretty sure they use dna testing if theres any doubt. you say damnit. she says i can still make you a mushroom person i just cant let you be sporing. you sigh and say okay.

***

shes more animated than youve ever seen her before. youve been here a few times, requesting monsters be made for your haunted house. shes tried directing you to a colleague of hers, the Goblin King or something like that? you always tell her that her creations have a certain je ne sais quoi. she always giggles at that.

this time you came to ask her for a skeleton. the idea excites her. shes pacing around. a skeleton, a skeleton. you say shouldnt this one be easy? she says you still want it fully autonomous right? you say yeah. she says right so i have to give it muscles and nerves but i cant make them too obvious. and the bones, where is she gonna get the bones? you say you just want a human skeleton, whats the issue with the bones? she says that is the issue. says shes not allowed to use human remains anymore. she'll have to get some sort of animal bone and sculpt it. she says maybe Amy can help with getting them to look right. but that still doesnt solve how to make it walk...

you say sorry, what do i owe you for this commission? she waves you off. she says this ones interesting enough that she wont charge. she pulls out a set of colorful glitter markers and starts doing anatomical sketches on the back of an old pizza box. she says you can go now. she says ill call you when you can pick it up.

***

six fingers she says. you say yeah. and thats all she says? you say yeah. she says sure no problem but like, why? you say so earth aleph has this tv show called Gravity Falls

***

she says im so so sorry. she says i wish i could help but this isnt my field. you say its ok, but you cant hide your tears. she says no, no, dont cry! she hugs you. she smells like sweat and smoke and blood. its still a good hug. she says i dont know many mechanicsl tinkers, but ill call the ones i do know, ask around. she says we'll find somebody who can help give you a working electrical outlet pussy, i promise. you say thank you. youre still crying. shes so sweet.

***

ok, she says, so i can do that with some caveats. you say shoot. she says im allowed to give out wings but not allowed to give anybody the ability to fly. you say why?? she says it counts as giving out parahuman abilties and thats against my parole. you say thats so stupid and she nods. she says do you still want the wings? some of the angelkin ive done this to say they actually feel WORSE having the wings but not being able to get off the ground with them. you say thats ok. you say youre not angelkin, you just want them for kink reasons. she says ohhhhh. she says so how sensitive do you want them

***

she says i can do that but have you REALLY thought about it? youll be totally dependent on a third party. like what if your partner breaks up with you and you can't find someone else who "gets it"? you say im willing to take that risk. she says ok. she says so let me make sure ive got this right, you want detachable skin that laces up in the back and has to be washed out every night?

[arson-09]

“Theres forces at play I can’t even begin to tell you about.”

“what? what is there your not telling me?”

“I know you have been dreaming of him. Don’t, do not go looking for him.”

…I found him

Day 6- Fairytale AU/Dreams- A court of Poppies and Dreams💤

In this au, after rejecting Amarantha Tamlin was cursed to sleep until a kiss from his true love. But how could his true love find him if he was asleep? the cruelty of amaranthas curse…

On a cold winters day, Feyre accidentally kills a fae and is taken by… Lucien, The High Lord of spring? he doesn’t look very springish…

After only a few days there, Feyre starts having strange dreams. Dreams where a blond fae visits her, and asks for her help. He doesn’t remember who he is, but he needs her to find him.

But is that the best idea? Lucien seems hell bent on keeping whoever it is hidden, and he hints theres more trouble to be found if he is found. Things he truly can’t even begin to tell her about. And when the dark lord of night starts threatening her new found friends, feyre gets a taste of the danger. And she wont let them get hurt.

But the curiosity is so strong, and she can’t ignore the pull she feels. She must find him, and she must awake him.

I put so much thought into this au i may have to write it🧍🏻 Once i get a copy of acotar im making a sleeping beauty rewrite (and after my tamlin fixit fix. lots to do) @tamlinweek

This is by far my biggest piece for the week and the one im most proud of :) The inspo hit me really hard and i just let it. A few other details about this AU is that Feyre is older, just because while i like her in the og book i just want the fmcs in fantasy books to be older especially when their falling in love with 500+ year old men. Shes 24 now. I also did just whatever i wanted with her design because i can !!! and maybe, perhaps her and tamlin are actually mates… and maybe thats why she can see him in her dreams? hm? If yall wanna see the whole notes app dump i did on the summary of this au at 11pm while on a trip to vegas ill drop it in the reblogs. Close ups down below!

(i tried to do some shadows and lighting lmao)

[problematicraccoon]

I WANNA TALK ABOUT MY SKZ DR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

heres a lore dump

MKAY so in this reality im gonna be in a polycule situation with the entirety of stray kids (shut up i know im an interdimentional whore), but hwen i first shift there, we're still just friends.

some details about me in that dr is that my name is Alyssa Kolanko, im 23, im in a dance crew thats world renowned with Emmy (the youtuber) Beomhan (our boi) Ryan (hellyxryan) and Ravon (also youtuber), we're all best friends (ive been besties with Ravon since we were teenagers growing up together in ohio, then we both moved to Georgetown, Washington for college and to join the dance crew Ultraviolet)

dance crews are treated like kpop groups are in my cr. we're signed to entertainment companies' dance group divisions, have fanchants, fandoms, light sticks, stadium tours, music videos (where we do dance covers of songs and have cool visuals to go with it). if you guys have any ideas as to what our fandom name should be, i'd appreciate it, i cant come up with jack shit lmao.

i lived with Ravon in a cool loft apartment in Georgetown for four years, ever since we moved when we were 19, and now that we're 23, he's decided he wants to live with his boyfriend of two years, Carter (also youtuber from my cr), and i offered to move out so they could have the loft.

i've known the boys of SKZ since i was 21 and they came to see us perform at a dance festival (a type of concert where a bunch of dance crews come and perform at a stadium or concert hall)

as i've been a youtuber since i was like 15 in this reality, i grew a large following and the guys (skz) have been watching my videos since the beginning.

we quickly become friends after we meet, and become very close over the next few years. they fall head over heels in love with me lmao. i love living in fanfiction. ANYWAY.

now that Ravon and Carter are moving in together, i needed to find somewhere else to live. i expressed to the guys in our gc that i wasnt looking forward to living alone, as i love to live with my friends, and they suggested i move in with them since they're just getting ready to have a house built for them. i agree, and we all work together to build our dream house.

when i spawn in, it'll be the day before i fully move into the house with the guys. my besties (the members of UV) all come to me and Ravon's loft to spend the night and help me pack. then, the following day, the guys come and help pile my stuff into our cars and we head off to our house, where (since its totally empty) we'll lay out blankets and pillows in the unfurnished living room to have a big sleepover until we can get our bedrooms sorted out. i am very scared of living with eight other people btw T0T and it's stray kids for christ sake???? its gonna be so fucking LOUD

OH OH AND I HAVE A CAT. SHES AN ORANGE TABBY AND SHES VERY SWEET AND STUPID AND RUNS INTO WALLS AND HER NAME IS MINKA. SHES 2 AND I ADOPTED HER WHEN SHE WAS JUST A KITTEN <3 minho is absolutely OBSESSED with her

and im besties with Brittany Broski because i adore her she is everything to me i would lay down my life for her

and as for my backstory; very tragic, kinda personal, wont share much about that. but all that you need to know is that my parents were shitty, and my aunt Isla (the same one from my better childhood dr, face claim Daphne Zuniga) saved me and my younger brother Eric (eric lloyd) and took us to Ohio from Poland to raise us when i was 13. she also has a son, who's technically my cousin, but i consider him my big brother and he considers me and eric his little siblings. his name is brandon, and his face/personality claim is Brandon Farris (hes a HILARIOUS youtuber, highly recommend him)

so yeah- theres alot more lore in this dr, its definitely my most detailed one, so i might make another post explaining more lmao.

[neolxzr]

Literally a genuine question no ill intent

What do you like about Aira? As much as people are absolutely adamant Akira is projecting (I really don't think he is (I'm not saying Akira is innocent) I just think he's trying to address the prejudiced thoughts the average Japanese person will have on the Ainu) Aira's weird comments and behaviour to Hiiro have been there since day one. And I also think Aira being the one who says all this is because he's supposed to reflect the fans and the average Japanese fan probably isn't that educated on the Ainu + there can be a good few racist enstars fans...

I'm not trying to sound heated about this I'm just coming from a genuine place, what appeal is there in Aira?

Also, as much as the Aira fans are talking about blaming Akira, I feel like there should absolutely be a focus on Hiiro right now considering that comment was... yknow said to him. I just think we should actually be talking about the Amagis considering that comment was intended to discuss the Amagis and their culture and the discrimination they go through.

i had someone ask me a similar question once but not in the context of all thats happening currently so you can read that here if youre inclined

buuuut what made me like aira so much in the first place was honestly that his concept as a character is really funny. i made a post a long while back that went into the funny meta jokes that you could make using aira as a character before i really knew much about enstars at all. having a character in your idol series that loves idols and canonically reads fanfic about them is just a funny concept in general. and as i continued to read more he continued to be funny and annoying and endearing (his little mini interaction with midori comes to mind immediately. there is something wrong with him)

also i tend to gravitate towards characters that give me like. little sibling energy. i love having a favorite little guy to dote on

but afterwards what really drew me to him was the main story!! thermometry specifically comes to mind (ouuugh,,,,). his feature scout stories are also great and so is feather touch! i wont like. go into detail really cause my blog is covered in me talking about aira already

his dynamic with hiiro is one of my favorites too, especially in mainstory. their dynamic isnt JUST aira says shitty things to hiiro and thats it. their relationship develops really far to the point where aira admits that he needs hiiro as much as hiiro needs him. they're young and inexperienced and kind of codependent as they're trying to keep themselves from going under in a sort of cutthroat industry. i think thats really neat. their relationship is really sweet to me and aira is a great tsundere type of character. he regularly is shown to actually like hiiro a lot as mean as he can be to him sometimes i.e. here. and you know the whole holding hands thing (which they also fucked up in the climax story but Whatever)

theres also this. which i think about regularly. the hiiai shipping fuel is vast

and additionally i think aira has some really great relationships with other characters too, alkaloid especially. feather touch develops his relationship with tatsumi a lot and its one of my favorite aira moments. i couldnt find my screenshots for this one but basically aira gives tatsumi his unlocked phone (something VERY important to aira since hes a little screenager) and it shows tatsumi just how much aira trusts him and he realizes how important aira is as a friend to him. being someone with a history like him aira's friendship is sort of new to him and it helps them both grow

he loves his friends so so much and he’s had a positive impact on all of alkaloid. he is its heart after all

but in any case i'm not going to like, defend myself for liking aira. i am aware that the shitty stuff has been there from the start but i've said something similar in the past that was like. aira isn't real and he cannot take accountability for what he says. he's a character written by real people who doesn't have any control over how he acts. so i guess that's why when i think the writers write something i dont think he would do or say in my own personal aira opinion i can sort of brush it off as just bad writing.

and not in the sense that i dont recognize that enstars sucks, because it does. enstars can be terribly racist sometimes and not just when concerning aira, and thats important to talk about (i.e. the orient cards, the king of thieves cards, etc). but at the end of the day the most important thing to recognize is the people and company behind the game as well as the real people who play the game and are affected by it. and not like, the specific characters in the game. cause they didn't actually do anything or feel anything you know

[vanilladrpepper]

Heya! 2, 7, and 8 for Wolfwood

HIHIHIHIHIHI SPOILERS AHEAD

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

freed birddddddd. freed birdddd.

^ thats a short catchall i wont lie bc theres so much to discuss that i love abt him in canon like . the details oaughg the intricacies im an insane man . but my number 1 thing that encapsulates what i adore about him in canon is the freed bird extra bc it provides a look into his past thats been (mostly iirc) just alluded to prior to it, and it allows him a moment to interact with someone younger than him and with someone that he took care of and on top of that its in the time (i think) after he defected from the eom, when he was still rough as can be and purely focused on survival. so its a nice contrast with the following volumes that showcase wolfwoods latter development and its just . its so good. i constantly think about the . the panel about the luxurious cage wait let me get it

screenshots from trigun-manga-overhaul

the chapter in and of itself perfectly encapsulates wolfwoods faults and strengths when it comes to his worldview and its technically one of the first times someone challenges his worldview head on - maylene doesnt lay down and take the easy way out, the safe way out, while wolfwood sees it as the only way for her to go - because anything else is too much of a risk and ultimately hes got a bleeding heart. even in the midst of a gunfight, maylene stands her ground, not caring for wolfwoods idea of safety over happiness, regardless of how he came to have that idea. its also a classic showing of how different things couldve turned out - if wolfwood had been adopted out like maylene, would he have retained his worldview? would he have instead agreed more with maylene? if maylene had dealt with the eom, would she have more of a pessimistic worldview?

regardless of that - another huge thing i adore about the chapter is the bird metaphors that get attached to wolfwood, where up until now its not too obvious, not too crazy - but the chapter posits the question to both the reader and wolfwood - is it worth sacrificing your autonomy for safety? is it better to risk your life to be free of any outside control? is it better to hurt and trip and fall or to stay inside a bubble where you could suffocate at any point? i adore it sm hes so ajkbvhjfdbvjhdbv

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

I ADOREEEEEE WHEN PPL GIVE HIM SOME HEALTHY WEIGHT. GIVE HIM A TUMMY RIGHT NEOWWWWWW !!!!! LOVE HIM BUT PLEASE NIGHTOW PUT SOME MEAT ON HIS BONES . also i love when ppl give him long hair <3 literally THEEEEE wolfwood design choice everrrrrr .

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

i hateeee when ppl make him suave and smooth all the time and like. a heartbreaker etc bc ill be honest it is notttt realistic to him. hes a fucking loser . PLEASE he can have his moments from time to time but for the comedic effect - immediately have him fuck up somehow. he pulls off one good one liner and then runs into a streetlight in the parking lot or eats sand and wipes the fuck out. what brings to mind is a scene from trimax;

this one from volume 10. literally pages before he drops dead and seconds after he says this:

like i get wanting to write just serious shit (because lbr trigun especially trimax lends itself to leaning into serious shit heavily) but when it comes to fanworks, wolfwood is often made to be just . a little too serious if ykwim. like in some fanworks his stuff lands too often to make sense for his character. let him be a failman loserguy for a second <3

another thing i despise. the weird microaggressions and weird racism around how some people portray his character in fanworks and fanon - specifically in reference to making him like. ungodly aggressive or like. making it weird as hell :sob: pisses me off for real like please just write him normally im begging oh my god

[writings-ofthe-heart]

JUST FINISHED BES, GOING CRAZY JUMPING ON THE WALLS‼️‼️‼️‼️

I'll post my thoughts on it here ummm its gonna be very long sorr🤦🏽‍♀️

HUGE BES SPOILERS YOU'VE BEEN WARNED

Ok first of all can we talk about the ART???? THE STYLE?????? OH MY GOODNESS ITS SO BEAUTIFUL IT REALLY REMINDS ME OF THE OLD JAPANESE ART AND COMIC BOOK STYLE TOGETHER?!! i love the uprising of stylized animation its so nice and good

ok second, THE CHARACTERS?? I love how they really kept everything consistent, taigena character development is 🥰🤌 mwah beautiful, akemi i lub her badass attitude honestly its rlly good at showing every part of japan in the edo period the brutal honesty of how women lived back then is amazing, omg speaking about akemi, madame kaji and her girls‼️‼️ so lovely i hope we see them in season 2 omg the purple girl when she got fucking killed i was so sad omfg my poor girl dude honestly and pf course imma make one big paragraph abit Mizu

ok mizu i think omfg omfg let me just say SHE'S LITERALLY THE MAN LIKE MIZU THE WOMAN YOU ARE😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 i could not get enough of her, her voice??? her face??? her personality??? flawless😍🥰 the character development is precious omfg the way she was such a cold stone killer in the first episode and you could see her heart thawing while still keeping that revenge and anger alive??? AMAZING omfg props to the writers because they did so well. i really cant wait to see more about her backstory, ESPECIALLY ALL THE PLOT TWISTS IN THE LAST EPISODE???? WDYM HER MOM ISNT HER MOM???????? also im so curious about Violet? cuz she killed him but... honestly.... i saw someone theorize that it was her mom that was white and not her dad because in my head it makes sense i dont think the white father would be so hateful for mizu?? if the white parent was the mom then it makes sense for the dad to be ashamed of her,,,,,,, maybe its just me and violet is a man not a woman, idk i cant wait to see what happens in that storyline

the animation is so smooth its so satisfying and the colors??? the backgrounds of each frame is so detailed and wonderful???? oh mt goodness if i could pause it every frame juat to admire the art (and mizu) i would 100% god omfg

I just cant wait for season 2

ALSO THE LAST SCENE WHERE MIZU JUST WENT??? TO LONDON?? NOW EVERYONE THINKS SHE'S DEAD😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 she looked soooooo good tho so I'm not complaining....

also there's def gonna be a triangle between taigen , takoyashi and akemi bro, like theres no way there wont be

tbh.... im kinda #teamtako because he's a cutie... maybe ill write for him.... idk Hes so cutie patootie like his little stammer is 🤌 u dont see it often and he's royaalty? great character designs

ringo i love you my favorite boy i hope he will be well

ok thats all

[not-poignant]

salut pia!

ive been wondering? how do you handle/change modes when you’re writing across AUs/fics? i mean not only the personality/attribute changes (like role reversal with ef and gwyn) but also change in…oh how do i say this..when a character is a MC in one but side/minor in another? bc they are different devices to different stories, how do you keep an overview of how much you reveal, go into so as to not side track from the main story or change the “flow”. example: whenever theres mentions of gender identity and betas somethin somethin feeling like omegas somethin somethin comes up “casually” sirens go off in my head and then i realise wait faber is NOT the MC in this story this is not about him him but its a little bit about him him. and then i feel like im standing behind a glass wall looking from Utb/Utg to Utr screaming at faber but he is a NPC here so we dont know whats going on in his head. that scene with ef and him eating carrots?…. i would give my right foot and skin tone copic markers to be a fly on the wall in fabers POV (the timelines probably wont align for it to happen but would you ever consider sth like this?? a scene overlapp across stories i mean?)

i’ve mostly read within that universe but ive also read spoils where your characters have completely different..positions? roles? weight? than in rainbow. so yeah how do you keep it all “appropriate” or “fitting” for their roles in different stories. like a puppet master

cheers xx

Hi anon,

So this is going to be not very helpful, but I don't write this stuff down for the most part.

This is the stuff I find so easy that this is why this is my job, in a way. I don't have a list of 'different Efnisiens' to keep track of, or 'different Gwyns.' They become themselves within the story. If I read a chapter of the story I get back into it (actually often I just need to listen to a song or put on the right playlist). Every version of a character is kind of there right now. I know how each would respond to something, and how those things would be the same or vary based on life experiences and the question etc.

I don't do really much at all to change modes. I just...do. There is no overview. It's all in my head. I'd say some of this goes down to how long / how many years I've spent studying character and dialogue overall. But even when I was younger I found this pretty easy, and transplanting characters into different situations to see how they'd react similarly / differently was one of my favourite kinds of exercises even when I was a teenager.

Some of it is knowing focus. Faber's side story is interesting, for those who like Faber and/or Underline the Red, hints about his gender struggles are fascinating, but they can only ever be hints, because I'm mindful that many readers aren't interested in Faber except as a minor character, and haven't read Underline the Red.

The focus is always Efnisien and Gary. Other characters can have their own lives and motivations, but it won't be more than that in the main story. Though I can go into a bit more detail because of the length of the story which is really nice for building out side characters / ensemble cast.

As to crossover perspectives, I don't know! I know we'll see some of Faber's perspective of Efnisien arriving at Hillview in Underline the Red, but obviously things impact characters differently at different times, I don't know what will be most important by the time we get to Faber's side of things. I used to write alternative perspectives as side chapters for Fae Tales though, and that could be a lot of fun.

so yeah how do you keep it all “appropriate” or “fitting” for their roles in different stories.

I saw a video by Hank Green I think once where he said the reason sportspeople are so good at their sports is in part because they're physically often the best at that sport anyway. Like, ballerinas have a certain build, swimmers have a certain build, and any training they do works to support that and make them better, but they were 'built' out for those sports in the first place. Some people have yoga bodies. I have a swimming body and swimming shoulders.

And I feel like this is true sometimes with writing. I don't try to keep it appropriate or fitting, I just know that the ensemble characters can't matter as much as the main characters in the course of the story. That's what a story is. That's what a main character and an ensemble character is. I would say years of experience has made this part of writing mostly easy and fun for me, so I don't have to think or overthink about this stuff anymore. At worst I might think 'was that too much Faber? Eh, it's helping Efnisien, it's still important to the plot and his character arc.'

I'm 'built' for writing big worlds with big ensemble casts where all the characters are important but where the focus is only on a couple of main characters per story. I'm built for character-focused stories and seem to be very built for transplanting characters I love into different worlds (and different roles) to see how that changes things. I started wanting to write these kinds of worlds and characters when I was 10 years old, and had my first sprawling ensemble fantasy series started by the age of 11. By the age of 15 I had a 3 novel fantasy trilogy built out with about 20 significant characters, and it was ridiculous and silly but that was what I wanted to write.

And I guess you could say I haven't really changed, I've just gotten better at it. I hope to keep getting better at it! The challenge now is to figure out how to break down some of these skills so I can share them with others. But...I do think there's an element of 'this is just what I love, it's a special interest, I don't know how to convey that I have 30 years of special interest in reading, writing, and studying this thing across television, manga, manhwa, fanfiction, AUs, and fictional series.' There will be teachable skills in that, but I don't know how much osmosis / absorption / and being obsessed with entangled tapestries of stories makes up what I do.

In some ways it would be 'better' if I was built for more conventional storytelling. My bank account might like that more! BUT, I'm doing okay where I'm at, because I love it, and I try to share that with other people and see if I can tell stories that resonate with them too.

(There are aspects of what I do that are very hard for me - timelines, aspects of worldbuilding, pacing in the first arc, and so on, but the actual characterisation part, and creating multiple versions of the same character is as easy as breathing. I could give you four more different versions of Faber in an hour. Maybe even twenty minutes. It's not hyperbole, it's just...how I daydream, what I think about. And it's fun!)

I'm very very very lucky that other folks are willing to read the same characters across different narratives, because it's a very strange thing to do in writing outside of fanfiction, case in point being that we almost never see any other professional authors doing it with their original works. x.x

[porcelain-dollbones]

warning for talking in detail about self harm

theres only so far and so long i can truly pretend to have a genuine commitment to not self harming. i know i said i was happy i went such a long time without self harming, but truthfully, im happier now that im cutting again. i enjoy it. i like seeing my blood. i like looking at my cuts. i have a neat little row of fresh ones now, running up my upper arm. its incredibly relieving in a way that nothing else is. it can draw me out of even really bad spirals quickly and leaves me warm and even a little contended which is an incredibly rare feeling for me. i dont actually want to stop.

on my bedside table, i have a packet of individually wrapped razor blades, a set of alcohol wipes, a small dropper bottle of betadine, and bandaids. i swab the area, take out the blade and make nice clean cuts, parallel to the others, usually only one or two. i watch the blood flow for a little while, then hold a tissue to it until the blood stops, disinfect the wound and dress it. i dispose of the blade safely.

i wish people wouldnt make such a big deal out of it. it makes my friends incredibly distressed and i feel terrible about that. but why does it matter so much? i self harm safely. i only choose safe spots away from major blood vessels. it doesnt put me in any danger at all. its much better for me than any of the other things i used to do to help cope with difficult feelings.

sometimes, i feel that i am rotting. that my guts are turning fetid and necrotic inside me. that my blood is curdling and turning black. when i cut myself, and see that it is red, that i am alive, i am soothed.

and it is mine. it is mine. my body is always being taken away from me. but no one can stop me from doing this. in hospital, i palmed blades from a razor and cut myself, and to me that was a statement. even though they held me there against my will and coercively medicated me and did everything they could to prevent it, they could not stop me. and so it was a form of power. a meagre one, but the only one i had. my scars from hospital are a reminder that no matter what, i will always own a little piece of my body.

and yes, it is a visible mark of my distress. proof that i am not well. why do i want that? i do a lot to hide that i am unwell. but a part of me wants that proof. even though i put them in places that wont be seen. i do not think anyone has noticed lately. i do not want them to. it is contradictory, but so are many things about me.

when people beg me not to self harm, i want to do it more. i never stopped for myself, it was only for everyone else. but why do i have to? i want it, and i am the only one who gets to decide. i am sorry that it distresses those close to me. i truly am. but i do not think i am going to stop.